“I know my gas smell ‘about as bad’ as it ever smell before. €œOl’ Clementine ain’t no fool,†I say. I guess they ain’t want to give me answer ’cause one of them dudes said: “About as bad.†So I asks, “Where we going? Where this boy live, Detroit?†So, anyway, we keep flying and it seem like a long ride. I don’t ‘gree with it, but that’s how it is. Who want to do their business after a negro? I get it.īut things done changed these days and of course white folks shit after negroes all the time now. Lost the best job I ever had on account of my runny behind. That little fiasco got me sold down South. I was halfway through a nice little movement when they kicked down the door and dragged me from the bowl. This was on a day when I fried me some pigs feets that felt like they was kicking my stomach in. It all went to shit, so to speak, when lil’ James got tired of being yelled at and did some ‘vestigating. You shoulda seen the lady of the house yelling at poor lil’ James, that was her son, about leaving his mess all swirling and around and bobbing up and down without flushing. Them folks musta been ignorant cause they couldn’t tell the negro poo from the white poo. Leave a little unflushed negro poo in that bowl when I was in a hurry. I used to sneak up there and do my business. Now everybody got indoor plumbing, but back then only the richest of the rich white folks had it. The boy was so rich he had indoor plumbing. We was supposed to shit out in a little outhouse down on the edge of the plantation, but ol’ massa’s facilities was special. This was down in Georgia before them Yankee boys burned it. I was with that man a year and he was rich and famous. I figure that boy is rich, he probably got gold plated toilets and sinks better than my ol’ massa from back in 1845. See, I’m not trying to shit in no hole in the ground or out in the sand like a cat. I call out: “Hey, how long till we get to that boy’s house and do he have a bathroom?†First, when I pass gas, I keep pointing at them damn SEAL dogs with the titanium teeths, but it gets so loud I can’t even pretend it’s the dogs no more. I mean it’s real foul in that helicopter. Well, we in that helicopter and we getting closer and closer to that bin Laden boy’s house and maybe I’m nervous or maybe it’s all that damn curry I be eating, but my stomach’s gone with the wind.
Lots of ‘spiracy theories and misinformation and tales told by confused folks, but this is how it went down. I could tell you a rack of stories from my Navy SEAL days, but I figure you only interested in the time we went and got that Osama boy, so that’s the story I’m gon’ tell. It remind me of back in them days when I used to fight against them Northern folk who kept meddlin’ with Southern affairs back during the War of Yankee Aggression. Been proud to serve, for no pay of course. One thing most folks don’t know ‘bout me is that I been in the Navy since there was a Navy and I been a Navy SEAL since the SEALs been pups. Occasionally, he shares his unique perspective on the pressing issues of the day and we present it for you, dear reader. He worked as a slave in most of the Confederate states and has continued the profession long after Emancipation. note: At 236-years-old, Ol’ Clementine is the oldest man in the world.